People. Lots of people, so much of them, all around me. They keep chatting so loudly and you cannot close your ears but listen to them leading pointless conversations about nothing. They need you to make presentations, to talk in front of huge ammounts of other people that just cannot accpet the fact that you are different. That you will never be like them.
We live in constant stress. “What if I will be called at the class in front of others? What if I say something wrong? Why do they look at me this way? Do they hate me so much? I bet they are thinking about me being so ugly and stupid that my parents are poor things to have such daughter.” Simply said, our mind never sleeps.
When asked to express ourselves in front of others, our body is completely out of control. Despite having the speech prepared conscientiously, we cannot say even a simple word without our voice shaking, hands sweating and cheeks blushing. As if we were under control of an invisibile force 24/7, and this force is called our mind.
It is difficult to fight against people, their hate and disrespect. However, the longest and most painful war is with our own thoughts. They never leave, torture us when we are awake and scare us during sleep.
“Why are you still here when others hate you so much? See the way how they look at you! They wish you were dead. Hey, your friend sits with different person because she cannot stand you anymore. And that boy in tram, he must be laughing in his head because of your ugly face and messy hair.” Yes, this is how my everyday – or even every minute – thoughts look like. Therefore depressions occur in my life periodically.
Most people may say mental disorders are not problems at all. Our body is healthy, we are not suffering from cancer or something and problems with talking to peole or being in crowds are nonsense. But these people have never experienced a panic attack. They are sociable, with many friends and healthy self-confidence. And they have no idea how much bravery it takes to even leave the house when realizing how many people are out there. And how many of them can laugh at us, hurt us, behave bad to us or say inappropriate things about our diagnosis.
To all of you suffering from SAD – only you know how it feels and how brave you are when you tell something correctly in front of others or even are able to talk to a shop assistant. SAD is trying to ruin your world on a daily basis, but you are stronger than it. You are enough. You are different from the boring grey crowd and you can fight your fears. And one day you will hopefully overcome them completely.
And to the lucky healthy ones – respect people around you with SAD. You don’t know how much pain your stupid comments about the problem cause them. Be respectful and helpful. You might save one’s life by this.
Sources of pictures: anpene.com, pinterest.com